Why women fantasize about rape and why it has nothing to do with real crimes

Why women fantasize about rape and why it has nothing to do with real crimes

The main difference: in the head everything happens by agreement.

Why Women Fantasize About Rape

According to some studies , up to 62% of women have fantasized about rape. It should be borne in mind that the sample is not very representative – specifically, only 355 respondents participated in this survey. However, most of them indulged in such fantasies infrequently, on average about four times a year. But the obvious cannot be denied: women run these scenarios in their heads. And not only in a negative way: only in 9% of cases, thoughts caused disgust. 45% of fantasies were purely erotic, 46% are something at the intersection of erotica and disgust.

Rape fantasies can have several causes.

Avoiding negative emotions

Imagine a woman who was brought up in a strict family. She was told from an early age that sex is sin and filth. And it is difficult for her to completely get rid of children’s attitudes. Even fantasizing about intimacy, she feels guilty and ashamed. The script with violence becomes the way out. After all, all these “shameful” things in her fantasy a woman does under duress, she is not like that. That helps her to relieve herself of part of the responsibility for what is happening.

Follow common scenarios

In romance novels set in the past, there is often a plot in which a dangerous man is so addicted to the main character that he simply cannot resist. And she is modest and decent, sex before marriage can ruin her reputation. Therefore, he has to be overly persistent in order for the book to happen for the sake of which it was actually written.

In fantasy, a woman also sometimes wants to feel so desirable that a person literally cannot stop. And sometimes the script may include someone with whom, in her sober mind, she will never contact. Or, for example, a girl does not plan to cheat on her current partner, even in her head. Compulsion to have sex in this case allows you to “make friends” fantasy and reality.

Trying to let go of control

The female orgasm is a complicated thing, not every sex ends with it. And during intercourse, a partner can worry a lot – for her pleasure, for her partner’s feelings, for her appearance, and so on.

The fantasy of coercion allows her to literally relax and immerse herself in the process. The mental lover does exactly what she needs and how she likes – after all, everything happens in her head.

sexual openness

Research shows that women who enjoy sex and don’t feel anxious or guilty about it often fantasize about rape, among other scenarios. Simply because it is an opportunity to safely scroll through anything in your head.

Violence in the past

This is not a common occurrence, but some people with this experience periodically fantasize about violence. True, not because they like forced sex. It’s more of a way to replay the script and make sure they’re in control this time. That is, in this way they try to take control of all their past experience, where they were completely deprived of it.

Why the rape fantasy has nothing to do with reality

People who try to normalize sexualized violence often use fantasies as an argument that nothing bad is happening. After all, women think about it, and so, the dream becomes a reality.

Why women fantasize about rape and why it has nothing to do with real crimesOf course, this is not true at all. For starters, fantasies about forced sex arise for completely different reasons. For example, based on an old injury. And those who have not had such experience simply try on different stories. This does not mean that they want to try everything.

But let us assume that this fantasy is purely erotic. It is distinguished from real violence by several important criteria.

Security and control

Fantasy is absolutely safe for a woman. You can stop everything at any time or redirect it in another direction. And even if you come to something in your thoughts that will be unpleasant, it is easy to roll everything back without much loss. In the scenario, control seems to be in the hands of the rapist. But it is obvious that the events are controlled by a woman. So she’s not afraid.

Real rape is the most unsafe, traumatic situation, which is often accompanied by depression, sexual disorders, PTSD and other severe consequences.


It may not be obvious, but a woman imagines sex with someone, albeit forced, because she agrees to this very sex . Just mental intercourse occurs in this form (safe and controlled, as we remember). Suppose we take the case mentioned earlier, when a man allegedly cannot stop. In fact, it can, because everything is in the head of a woman. It does not slow down the process of fantasy.

Naturally, real violence occurs without consent, therefore it is violence.


For firewood, we sometimes do not see the forest a little. But in rape fantasies, the aggressor is usually very victim-oriented. He does what she likes and how she wants. And – what is especially important – does not do what is unpleasant for her. In the process, the fantasy heroine will surely get carried away and even enjoy it. Erotic dreams are about pleasure, not about fear, shame, helplessness and other emotions experienced by victims of rape.

Lack of objectification

This point logically continues the previous one, namely: in fantasies, the victim is usually the subject anyway. The mental rapist attacks because he specifically wants her. For a real criminal, the victim is an object. And the aggression itself is not so much about sex, and sometimes not even about it at all, but about control, power, impunity.

Is it okay to fantasize about being raped?

If violence is a traumatic situation, then a logical question arises: is it normal if a woman fantasizes about it?

Psychologist, schema therapist, expert and career consultant at Psychodemia.

Fantasies of violence, like any other thoughts, can spontaneously arise in any person, regardless of gender and age. They are a by-product of our brain’s work, which constantly analyzes all incoming information and builds associative links between these data. Fantasies are normal and do not mean that something is wrong with you.

If such thoughts cause negative, contradictory and overly intense feelings, then you should pay attention to this and, possibly, turn to a psychologist, since this may indirectly indicate an adverse experience in the past or other health disorders. There are many different techniques in CBT to deal with these kinds of problems.

If thoughts are pleasant, then there is nothing wrong or shameful in thinking them. The position of modern sexology is that you can fantasize about anything, as long as dreams do not turn into actions that threaten our well-being or the well-being of other people.